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SydesJokes

7th Dec 2012 from Twitlonger

#Joke #Humor #LOL

[SydesJokes] Friday 7th December 2012:

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I am aiming to lose 25Kg (55Lbs) by end of April 2013 and raise money for the British Heart Foundation:

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My starting weight is 150Kg (330Lbs) so need to lose the weight.

Please support and share with your contacts.

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Christmas Gift Ideas

Christmas Gifts

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Christmas Gift Ideas For Men

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Christmas Stocking Fillers

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Joke # 1

Same Day

http://bit.ly/cal7FY

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Joke # 2

A pedestrian is someone who thought there were a couple of gallonsleft in the tank.

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Joke # 3

Old couple

This old couple is ready to go to sleep, so the old man lies on the bed, but the old woman lies on the floor.

The old man asks, "Why are you going to sleep on the floor?"

The old woman says, "Because I want to feel something hard for a change."

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Joke # 4

Q: Why do men whistle when they're sitting on the toilet?
A: Because it helps them remember which end they need to wipe.

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Joke # 5

Dumped

The guys had been worried about Bob ever since his wife dumped him and cleaned him out in the divorce.

They decided that somebody should go visit him at home to see how he was doing.

Floyd gets the job and goes to Bob's place one day after work. Bob seems to be ok but Floyd checks his place out to see if anything is out of the ordinary, just in case.

The place looks fine except for one thing, a tampon on top of Bob's TV. Floyd tries to ignore it but curiosity finally gets the best of him.

"Hey, Bob, what's with the tampon on the televison?"

"Oh, that's just to remind me that the cunt took the VCR."

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Joke # 6

Gorgeous woman

There was a black guy, a white guy, and a Chinese guy. They all had been in the bar before and saw this gorgeous woman. Well they made a bet to see who could make the woman scream.

The black guy goes in a comes out and the women is laughing,

Then the white guys goes in, well after he comes out she is laughing even harder.

The Chinese guy goes in and after a few minutes she is screaming bloody murder. Then he comes out, and the other two guys said how did you do that, and the Chinese guy goes "Me play trick, me put hot sauce on my dick!"

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Joke # 7

Alaska

A man left the lower forty-eight for Alaska to get away from it all. At the last outpost before losing himself in the wilderness for a year, he decides that an entire season alone should be started by a farewell party. He goes into the only saloon in town and proceeds to drink and laugh it up with anyone that stopped in. Late in the evening and feeling frisky, he asks the bartender, "Are there are any ladies of the night to be had?", but the bartender shakes his head and says that he's sorry, but there are no women available." Are you sure?", the guy asks, "Because I sure am horny and I'm headed for the wilds for a year".

"No", says the bartender, "But there is Charlie the Chinaman".

The man is aghast and declares that "he doesn't go that route". The next day he leaves for the woods and is gone for nearly a year. Finally, showing up at the saloon where he started from, he downs many drinks and asks the bartender if he has imported any women yet.

"No", the barkeep says, "But Charlie the Chinaman is still available".

Incensed, the guy says," I told you I don't go that route", and stomps out to his hideaway in the wilds for another year.

By this time he is horny enough that the bears are starting to look good, so off to town he goes and up to the bar where he says, "I don't suppose you have any women yet, do you?".

"Nope", is the reply, "Just old reliable Charlie the Chinaman".

With a furtive look over his shoulder he says to the artender, "Well look, I'll give it a try if you promise not to tell anyone, because I really don't go that route, you know".

"Oh, no problem", came back, "The only ones to know will be the seven of us".

"Seven of us?", shouts the man.

"Yeah", says the bartender, "You, me, Charlie and the four guys holding Charlie. Charlie don't go that route either.

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Joke # 8

Q: Why did the baker stop baking bread?
A: Because he wasn't making enough dough.

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Joke # 9

Little Johnny

Little Johnny and his dad were on an overcrowded elevator. Suddenly a lady in the front turned around, slapped Little Johnny's dad, and then left in a huff.

"That sure is a nasty lady," Little Johnny's dad said.

Little Johnny remarked, "I didn't like her either, Daddy. She stepped on my toe ... so I pinched her ass."

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Joke # 10

Methodist

The young son of a Baptist minister was in church one morning when he saw for the first time baptism by immersion. He was greatly interested in it, and the next morning proceeded to baptize... you guessed it.... his three cats in the bathtub.

The youngest kitten bore it very well, and so did the younger cat, but the old family tom cat rebelled.

The old feline struggled with the boy, clawed and tore his skin, and finally got away. With considerable effort the boy caught the old tom again and proceeded with the "ceremony."

But the cat acted worse than ever, clawing and spitting, and scratching the boy's face.

Finally, after barely getting the cat splattered with water, he dropped him on the floor in disgust and said, "Fine, be a Methodist if you want to!"

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Joke # 11

Sherlock Holmes

One day, the doorbell rings at 221B Baker street. Dr. Watson goes to the door, as Mrs. Hudson is away for the weekend. When he opens the door, he sees a schoolgirl standing there. He says to her, "Yes?"

"I'm here to see Mr. Holmes, sir," she replies.

So the good doctor shows her to the great detective's study. A few minutes later, he hears what appear to be the sounds of a great struggle coming from the room, with panting and groaning.

Immediately, his mind springs to the only available conclusion - the evil Professor Moriarty, cleverly disguised as a schoolgirl, is doing away with the great Holmes! Springing to his feet, he bounds across the room and yanks the door open...to see Holmes, naked, lying atop the schoolgirl, pumping away for all he's is worth.

Pulling himself up to his full height, the doctor sputters, "I SAY! Holmes! And just what sort of a 'schoolgirl" is this," he sneers.

The great detective looks up, removes his Meersham pipe from his mouth, and calmly replies, "Elementary, my dear Watson."

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Joke # 12

Q: What's the difference between Big Foot and intelligent man?
A: Big Foot's been spotted a several times.

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SydesJokes Blog Posts

Pickle Slicer

http://bit.ly/gHxJHS

Sound Advice

http://bit.ly/hOtzae

Seminars For Women

http://bit.ly/cAwvHV

Coffee Maker

http://bit.ly/kNAUii

Modern Day Noah's Ark

http://bit.ly/bGf13t

More funny posts --> http://SydesJokes.blogspot.com/

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SydesJokes Video Clips

Gun Powder Explosion

http://bit.ly/d9pOoD

Valet Parking

http://bit.ly/bNTwfI

Canadian Beer Commercial

http://bit.ly/alXtaz

The Nut Bra

http://bit.ly/cbmfxA

Free Kick

http://bit.ly/bLbyQN

More video clips --> http://sydesjokes.com/Category_-_Video_Clips.html

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Other Joke Lists

1. THE POSTMAN'S CORNER

THE ABSOLUTE BEST jokes, cartoons, and humor on the net! sent via email, by Martin aka the postman THE POSTMAN'S CORNER is delivered free of charge to all who ask for it! Adult humor, over 18 plz

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2. TRAINING 2 LAUGH

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http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Cartoonery/

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