SydesJokes

SydesJokes · @SydesJokes

8th Dec 2012 from Twitlonger

#Joke #Humor #LOL

[SydesJokes] Saturday 8th December 2012:

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My Sponsonered Diet for Charity

I am aiming to lose 25Kg (55Lbs) by end of April 2013 and raise money for the British Heart Foundation:

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My starting weight is 150Kg (330Lbs) so need to lose the weight.

Please support and share with your contacts.

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Christmas Gift Ideas

Christmas Gifts

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Christmas Gift Ideas For Men

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Christmas Stocking Fillers

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Joke # 1

US Army Canteen in Iraq #14

http://bit.ly/9G0QHI

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Joke # 2

Honk if you love peace and quiet

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Joke # 3

Old lady

A tiny but dignified old lady was among a group looking at an art exhibition in a newly opened gallery. Suddenly one contemporary painting caught her eye.

"What on earth," she inquired of the artist standing nearby, "is that?"

He smiled condescendingly. "That, my dear lady, is supposed to be a mother and her child."

"Well, then," snapped the little old lady, "why isn't it?"

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Joke # 4

Q: What do you call 20 dead frenchmen in the back of a lorry.
A: A good days hunting.

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Joke # 5

Podiatrist

A woman goes to see her Podiatrist. She says,

"Doc, I just got back from a few weeks in the Bahamas and the weather was so great I spent most of the days just lying on the sand. But the strangest thing happened. Whenever a good looking guy came by, I would get this strange tingling sensation between my toes."

The podiatrist thought this was kind of unusual and examined her.

He asked her if she had this sensation between all of her toes.

"Actually no," She replied, "Just between my 2 big toes!"

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Joke # 6

Exposing

Judy called the police. "My next door neighbor is exposing himself. Oh my," she continued, "he's just standing there, big as you please, taking a shower with his window shades up!"

The squad car arrived immediately to catch the evil culprit in the act. She led the cop into her bedroom and pointed out her window. "See what I mean, officer."

The policeman scratched his head and said, "Ma'am, I can only see the top of his head."

Judy: "Fool, just put a chair on that dresser over there and stand on that!"

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Joke # 7

Basic rules for driving

1. Turn signals will give away your next move. A real driver never uses them.

2. Under no circumstances should you leave a safe distance between you and the car in front of you, or somebody else will fill in that space putting you in an even more dangerous situation.

3. Crossing two or more lanes in a single lane-change is considered "going with the flow."

4. The faster you drive through a red light, the smaller the chance you have of getting hit.

5. Never get in the way of an older car that needs extensive bodywork. The other guy doesn't have anything to lose.

6. Braking is to be done as hard and as late as possible to ensure that your ABS kicks in, giving a nice, relaxing foot massage as the brake pedal pulsates. For those of you without ABS, it's a chance to stretch your legs.

7. Speed limits are arbitrary figures, given only as suggestions and are apparently not enforceable in the metro area during rush hour.

8. Please remember that there is no such thing as a shortcut during rush-hour traffic.

9. Always slow down and rubber-neck when you see an accident or even someone changing a tire.

10. Everybody thinks their vehicle is better than yours, especially 4WD drivers.

11 It is traditional to honk your horn at cars that don't move the instant the light changes.

12. Seeking eye contact with another driver revokes your right of way.

13. Never take a green light at face value. Always look right and left before proceeding.

14. Remember that the goal of every driver is to get there first, by whatever means necessary.

15. Real women drivers can put on pantyhose and apply eye makeup at 130 kph in bumper-to-bumper traffic.

16. Real men drivers can remove pantyhose and a bra at 130 kph in bumper-to-bumper traffic.

17. Heavy fog and rain are no reasons to change any of the previously listed rules. These weather conditions are God's way ensuring a natural selection process for body shops, junkyards, and new vehicle sales.

18. There is a common held belief that highspeed tailgating in heavy traffic reduces petrol consumption as you get sucked along in the slipstream of the car in front. This is true.

19. It's OK to cut off fully loaded semi-trailers, road trains and buses because they have brakes.

20. Always anticipate oncoming traffic while driving down a one way street.

21. It's O.K when driving in suburbs to air your grievances at bad drivers by giving the "one or two finger salute" while screaming out "fucking arsehole". But it is imperative you are driving a turbo charged V6 or a 5 litre V8, with a crow bar in your lap.

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Joke # 8

Q: How did they know Jesus was Jewish?
A: Because he lived at home until he was thirty, he went into his father's business, his mother thought he was god -- and he thought his mother was a virgin.

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Joke # 9

Chiropractor

Emerging from the chiropractor's treatment room, a young man said aloud in the crowded waiting room, "I feel like a new man!"

"I do, too," a middle-aged woman responded, "but I'll probably go home with the same old one."

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Joke # 10

Newly weds

The morning after an all-night honeymoon expert virtuoso performance in bed, the somewhat amazed but blissfully happy newlywed wife snuggles up to her new hubby and says, "Darling, you are just wonderful. Last night was simply amazing. May I ask how many others were there before me?"

After a few moments of silence, the wife becomes a little testy and says, "Come on, I know there must have been some - I'm waiting."

And "Captain Experience" takes a deep breath and says, "Hang on sweetheart, I'm still counting."

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Joke # 11

Christian family

A Christian family, comprising mom, dad, and son (Little Johnny), were sitting around the dinner table with the reverend of their church as their honored guest.

The mom told Little Johnny to start off the prayer so they can start eating dinner already. Johnny hesitated... "But, mom!.."

After his mom gave him an encouraging look, Johnny started the prayer. He started moaning and groaning, as if he was having an orgasm, and was also screaming, "Oooh, God! Ooooh, Charlie! Oooh, God! Charlie! Oh God, oh God, I'm coming!!"

All of a sudden, his mother stopped him: "What's gotten into you?!"

Little Johnny seemed embarrassed and surprised, then said to his mother... "What?!? That's what I hear you pray at night."

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Joke # 12

Q: What do you get when you cross a reptile with a Canadian law enforcement officer?
A: A Mountie Python.

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SydesJokes Blog Posts

Holy Shit #9

http://bit.ly/hUes2M

Motivational Posters 70

http://bit.ly/kXUe0M

Tell Your Boobs

http://bit.ly/f9eOzc

British Petroleum

http://bit.ly/a1rjPU

3 Convicts

http://bit.ly/gtTweK

More funny posts --> http://SydesJokes.blogspot.com/

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SydesJokes Video Clips

Europe At War

http://bit.ly/aFs2Cr

Feeling At Home

http://bit.ly/cWzw5U

Idiots Caught On Tape

http://bit.ly/dmeYAD

Guy Hay Bails Himself

http://bit.ly/9kidiH

Stationary Is Bad #2

http://bit.ly/acjwVb

More video clips --> http://sydesjokes.com/Category_-_Video_Clips.html

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