SydesJokes · @SydesJokes
15th Dec 2012 from Twitlonger
#Joke #Humor #LOL
[SydesJokes] Friday 14th December 2012:
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My Sponsonered Diet for Charity
I am aiming to lose 25Kg (55Lbs) by end of April 2013 and raise money for the British Heart Foundation:
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My starting weight is 150Kg (330Lbs) so need to lose the weight.
Please support and share with your contacts.
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Christmas Gift Ideas
Christmas Gifts
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Christmas Gift Ideas For Men
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Christmas Stocking Fillers
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Joke # 1
Welcome Mats #16
http://bit.ly/oG4fsT
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Joke # 2
Politeness is making company feel at home, when you wish they were.
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Joke # 3
Hindu women
For centuries, Hindu women have worn a dot on their foreheads. Most of us have naively thought this was connected with marriage or religion, but the Indian Embassy in Washington, D.C., has recently revealed the true story.
When a Hindu woman gets married, she brings a dowry into the union. On her wedding night, the husband scratches off the dot to see whether he has won a convenience store, a gas station, a donut shop, or a motel in the United States. If nothing is there, he must take a job in India answering telephones for DELL giving technical advice.
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Joke # 4
Q: What's the first thing a blonde does after sex?
A: Opens the car door.
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Joke # 5
Texan
A Texan, fresh from the ranch, was invited to a Hollywood party.
Madonna spied him and started flirting with him.
"Tell me cowboy, is there 'anything' you'd really like."
"Welllll," he replied, "I sure could use a piece of ass."
Madonna nodded and took him into a bedroom. She removed her clothes and his clothes, then engaged in a hot session of mad passionate lovemaking with him.
After they were done, she again asked suggestively, "Now, handsome, is there anything *else* I can do for you?"
"Well, ma'am," he replied in his Texan drawl, "I could still use that piece of ass for my drink."
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Joke # 6
Twins
Conjoined twins walk into a pub in Toronto and park themselves on a bar stool.
One of them says to the bartender, "Don't mind us, we're joined at the hip. I'm John, he's Jim. Two Molson Canadian beers please."
The bartender, feeling slightly awkward, tries to make polite conversation while pouring the beers. "Been on holiday yet, lads?"
"Off to England next month," says John. "We go to England every year, hire a car. and drive for miles, don't we, Jim?" Jim agrees.
"Ah, England!" says the bartender. "Wonderful country ... the history, the beer, the culture...."
"Nah, we don't like that British crap," says John. "Hamburgers & Molson's beer, that'sus, eh, Jim? And we can't stand the English; they're so arrogant and rude, not civil and polite like us Canadians."
"So why keep going to England ?" asks the bartender.
"It's the only chance Jim gets to drive."
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Joke # 7
Chicken farmer
A chicken farmer went to a local bar, sat next to a woman and ordered a glass of champagne. The woman perked up and said, 'How about that? I just ordered a glass of champagne, too!'
'What a coincidence' the farmer said. 'This is a special day for me. I am celebrating.'
'This is a special day for me too, I am also celebrating,' said the woman..'
'What a coincidence!' said the farmer.
As they clinked glasses he added, 'What are you celebrating?'
'My husband and I have been trying to have a child and today my gynecologist told me that I am pregnant!'
'What a coincidence!' said the man. 'I'm a chicken farmer and for years all of my hens were infertile, but today they are all laying fertilized eggs.'
'That's great!' said the woman, 'How did your chickens become fertile?'
'I used a different cock,' he replied.
The woman smiled, clinked his glass and said, 'What a coincidence!'
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Joke # 8
Q: What did one car muffler say to the other car muffler?
A: "Am I exhausted!"
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Joke # 9
Life and love
Two friends were at a bar discussing life and love. One said, "Would you believe that out of all the women I've been with not a one of them was a virgin? It'd be nice if girls saved themselves for marriage. I think it would cure a big part of the huge divorce crisis we have."
"Yeah, Jim, I hear you," said the other. "Out of all the women I've been with I've only had two virgins myself; my wife and yours."
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Joke # 10
Gynecologist
A gynecologist has a burning desire to become an auto mechanic, so she signs up for a class. When the time comes for her practical exam, she prepares carefully and performs the test with tremendous skill.
When the results come back she sees that she has scored 150%. Fearing that there's been an error she asks her instructor how she could have scored better than perfect.
The teacher replies: "During the exam, you took the engine apart perfectly, that is worth 50%. You put it back together perfectly which was worth another 50%."
"So, how does that make 150%?" She inquired...
The instructor answers, "I just had to give you an extra 50% because you did it all through the tailpipe!"
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Joke # 11
Execurives
Two executives were deep in a Highland forest, on an adventure weekend arranged by their firm. Neither had any real map-reading skills and they became separated from the other members of their team. All they knew was that the final rendezvous point was a remote pub called, 'The Wee Stump Inn.'
They trudged through the woods for hours, hopelessly lost until they came to what looked like a fork in the forestry trail. They couldn't agree on which path to take. Eventually, they decided to take one path each. They shook hands and resolved that the last man back to the pub would pay for the drinks.
Four hours later, the man that chose the correct fork was sitting at the pub fireside, enjoying his pint, when his friend staggered in. He was cut, bleeding, battered and bruised as if he had been mugged by a rugby team.
Once the men in the pub got the man settled, he explained, "I must have gone around in circles for hours, until I heard the sound of an idling car engine. I headed toward the sound and found a car in a clearing at the end of what looked like a 'lovers lane'. The car was all steamed up and I couldn't see who was inside, but I could hear more than one voice. So, I thought that I could ask for directions and I knocked on the driver's window. Now, the man in the car must have been a complete psychopath, because as soon as I asked him, 'How far is the Wee Stump Inn?' he jumped out of the car and beat the shit out of me!"
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Joke # 12
Q: What's the difference between a '90's woman and a Computer?
A: A '90's woman won't accept a three and a half inch floppy.
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SydesJokes Blog Posts
Bad Taste Bears 4
http://bit.ly/fHbm9N
Motivational Posters 67
http://bit.ly/muoHHx
Priceless 14
http://bit.ly/mbGKwb
Priceless 10
http://bit.ly/ivDz94
Marriage Quotes
http://bit.ly/f6ZdrI
More funny posts --> http://SydesJokes.blogspot.com/
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SydesJokes Video Clips
Pottery Penis
http://bit.ly/dwHAL8
World Air Traffic Over 24 Hours
http://bit.ly/bIaczq
Bus Dodge
http://bit.ly/bwDUY4
Wedding Ring
http://bit.ly/951G9x
Godfather on John Edwards
http://bit.ly/9XsZtc
More video clips --> http://sydesjokes.com/Category_-_Video_Clips.html
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1. THE POSTMAN'S CORNER
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