SydesJokes · @SydesJokes
17th Dec 2012 from Twitlonger
#Joke #Humor #LOL
[SydesJokes] Monday 17th December 2012:
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My Sponsonered Diet for Charity
I am aiming to lose 25Kg (55Lbs) by end of April 2013 and raise money for the British Heart Foundation:
http://uk.virginmoneygiving.com/ColinSponsoredDiet
My starting weight is 150Kg (330Lbs) so need to lose the weight.
Please support and share with your contacts.
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Christmas Gift Ideas
Christmas Gifts
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Christmas Gift Ideas For Men
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Christmas Stocking Fillers
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More from ParamountZone(UK) --> http://bit.ly/ZmQkza
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Joke # 1
Autobiogarphy #1
http://bit.ly/cpAJzj
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Joke # 2
Good girls think they're not fully dressed without a strand of pearls. Bad girls think they're fully dressed with just a strand of pearls.
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Joke # 3
School
A little girl came home from school and said to her mother, "Mommy, today in school I was punished for something that I didn't do."
The mother exclaimed, "But that's terrible! I'm going to have a talk with your teacher about this. By the way, what was it that you didn't do?"
"My homework." replied the little girl.
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Joke # 4
Q: Why did the Pilgrims cross the Atlantic in the "Mayflower"?
A: It was too far to swim.
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Joke # 5
Barber
A barber runs out of his shop and down to the nearest corner where a policeman is standing. "Officer," he asks, have you seen a man run by here in the last few minutes?"
"No I haven't. What's the problem?"
"The lousy cheat ran out of my shop without paying me!"
"Does this fellow have any distinguishing features?" the officer asks.
"Well, yes," the barber replies. "He's carrying one of his ears in his left hand."
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Joke # 6
Quietly reading
This man was sitting quietly reading his paper one morning, peacefully enjoying himself, when his wife sneaks up behind him and whacks him on the back of his head with a huge frying pan.
"What was that for?"
"What was that piece of paper in your pants pocket with the name Marylou written on it"
"Oh honey, remember two weeks ago when I went to the horse races? Marylou was the name of one of the horses I bet on."
The wife is satisfied, apologizes, and goes off to do work around the house.
Three days later he is once again sitting in his chair reading and she repeats the frying pan swatting.
"What was that for this time?"
"Your horse phoned!"
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Joke # 7
Socialist Hell
George dies and goes to hell. He notices one sign that says "Socialist Hell," and another that says "Capitalist Hell." There's a long line waiting for socialist hell, but no one waiting to get into capitalist hell. George asks the guard, "What do they do to you in socialist hell?"
They boil you in oil, whip you, and then put you on the rack," replies the guard.
"And, what do they do to you in capitalist hell?", George asks.
"Same thing," says the guard."
"So then," asks George, "why is everybody in line for socialist hell?"
"Because in socialist hell," the guard explains, "they're always out of oil, whips and racks."
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Joke # 8
Q: Why did the girl take some hay to bed?
A: To feed her nightmare.
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Joke # 9
Golfing
On a beautiful sunny Sunday afternoon, Morris stood on the first tee at his country club. He had just pulled out his driver when a young woman in a wedding gown came running up to him, crying.
"You bastard!" she screamed in his face. "You lousy no-good rotten damn stinking bastard!"
"What's your problem Sherry ?" he calmly replied. "I distinctly told you only if it rained."
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Joke # 10
Gotten old
"I've sure gotten old," said Maury the Snitch. "I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement, new knees.
I fought prostate cancer and diabetes. I'm half blind, can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine, take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts.
I have bouts with dementia, such poor circulation that I can hardly feel my hands and feet anymore.
Sheesh, I can't even remember if I'm 26, or 62, or 86! Plus, I've lost all my friends....
But thank God, I still have my driver's license!"
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Joke # 11
Sex
Johnny wanted to have sex with a girl in his office.....but she belonged to someone else...
One day Johnny got so frustrated that he went up to her and said I'll give you a $100 if you let me have you....but the girl said NO.
Johnny said I'll be fast, I'll throw the money on the floor, you bend down, and I'll be finished by the time you pick it up. She thought for a moment and said that she would have to consult her boyfriend.....so she called her boyfriend and told him the story. Her boyfriend says ask him for $200, pick up the money very fast, he won't even be able to get his pants down.
So she agrees and accepts the proposal. Half an hour goes by and the boyfriend is waiting for his girlfriend to call. Finally after 45 minutes the boyfriend calls and asks what happened......
She said "The bastard used coins"
Management Lesson: Always consider a business proposal in it's entirety before agreeing to it and getting screwed!
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Joke # 12
Q: What is the definition of a smart ass?
A: Someone who can sit on an ice cream cone and tell you what flavor it is.
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SydesJokes Blog Posts
Tooth Removal
http://bit.ly/lpBLMJ
Motivational Posters 5
http://bit.ly/hHtgnN
Homemade Lamborghini built in 10 years
http://bit.ly/aXJDtD
Mexican Restaurant
http://bit.ly/cj2XpE
Motivational Posters 75
http://bit.ly/mREPrE
More funny posts --> http://SydesJokes.blogspot.com/
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SydesJokes Video Clips
Frozen North
http://bit.ly/b8qQzF
Elephant Massage
http://bit.ly/bTTKz6
Mentos Advert
http://bit.ly/mGRTKi
Jetfighter Crashlanding
http://bit.ly/dwG1Cb
Bad Headache
http://bit.ly/cpG1sG
More video clips --> http://sydesjokes.com/Category_-_Video_Clips.html
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Other Joke Lists
1. THE POSTMAN'S CORNER
THE ABSOLUTE BEST jokes, cartoons, and humor on the net! sent via email, by Martin aka the postman THE POSTMAN'S CORNER is delivered free of charge to all who ask for it! Adult humor, over 18 plz
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/PostmansCorner/
2. TRAINING 2 LAUGH
A page of jokes -- NOTHING but jokes! Sent Mon thru Fri weekly Scheduled departure time is 4:PM Central Time (US) Sorry, 18 or older due to content
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Training2Laugh/
3. Cartoonery
A PAGE of nothing but 'Toons! Sent Mon thru Fri weekly Scheduled sending time 4 PM Central Time (US) Sorry, 18 or older due to content
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Cartoonery/
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