SydesJokes · @SydesJokes
26th Dec 2012 from Twitlonger
#Joke #Humor #LOL
[SydesJokes] Monday 24th December 2012:
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My Sponsonered Diet for Charity
I am aiming to lose 25Kg (55Lbs) by end of April 2013 and raise money for the British Heart Foundation:
http://uk.virginmoneygiving.com/ColinSponsoredDiet
My starting weight is 150Kg (330Lbs) so need to lose the weight.
Please support and share with your contacts.
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Joke # 1
Not Informed
http://bit.ly/9yudSc
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Joke # 2
Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
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Joke # 3
Chiropractor
Emerging from the chiropractor's treatment room, a young man said aloud to his friend waiting for him in the crowded waiting room, "I feel like a new man!"
"I do, too," a middle-aged woman responded, "but I'll probably go home to the same old one."
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Joke # 4
Q: Have you heard about the oversexed woman who would take her vibrator into the tanning booth?
A: She loved to shake and bake
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Joke # 5
Amish woman
An Amish woman was driving her buggy to town when a highway patrol officer stopped her.
"I'm not going to cite you," said the officer. "I just wanted to warn you that the reflector on the back of your buggy is broken and it could be dangerous."
"I thank thee," replied the Amish lady. "I shall have my husband repair it as soon as I return home."
"Also," said the officer, "I noticed one of your reins to your horse is wrapped around his testicles. Some people might consider this cruelty to animals so you should have your husband check that too."
"Again I thank thee. I shall have my husband check this when I get home." True to her word, when the Amish lady got home, she told her husband about the broken reflector. He said he would put a new one on immediately.
"Also," said the Amish woman, "the policeman said there was something wrong with the emergency brake."
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Joke # 6
English clss
Little Johnny goes to school. His first class is English, and the teacher wants the kids to say what they ate for breakfast and spell it.
The first girl says "toast" -- t o a s t.
The second boy says "eggs" -- e g g s.
Little Johnny says "f*ckin nothing" -- f * c k I n g n o t h I n g.
The teacher stands him in the corner till lunch.
After lunch Little Johnny is allowed to take his seat. The first class after lunch is geography. The teacher wants to know where the Polish border lies.
Little Johnny shoots up his hand and says, "He's at home on top of my mom. That's why I got f*cking nothing for breakfast!"
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Joke # 7
Male Translations for Women
These translations are for all of you wonderful women out there, so that you will know what we really mean when we say...
"IT'S A GUY THING"
Translated: "There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical."
"CAN I HELP WITH DINNER?"
Translated: "Why isn't it already on the table?"
"UH HUH," "SURE, HONEY," OR "YES, DEAR"
Translated: Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response.
"IT WOULD TAKE TOO LONG TO EXPLAIN"
Translated: "I have no idea how it works."
"TAKE A BREAK, HONEY. YOU'RE WORKING TOO HARD."
Translated: "I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."
"THAT'S INTERESTING, DEAR."
Translated: "Are you still talking?"
"YOU KNOW HOW BAD MY MEMORY IS."
Translated: "I remember the theme song to 'F Troop,' the address of the first girl I ever kissed and the vehicle identification numbers of every car I've ever owned... but I forgot your birthday."
"OH, DON'T FUSS, I JUST CUT MYSELF. IT'S NO BIG DEAL."
Translated: "I have actually severed a limb but will bleed to death before I admit that I'm hurt."
"HEY, I'VE GOT MY REASONS FOR WHAT I'M DOING."
Translated: "And I sure hope I think of some pretty soon."
"I CAN'T FIND IT."
Translated: "It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless."
"WHAT DID I DO THIS TIME?"
Translated: "What did you catch me at?"
"I'M NOT LOST. I KNOW EXACTLY WHERE WE ARE."
Translated: "No one will ever see us alive again."
"WE SHARE THE HOUSEWORK."
Translated: "I make the messes; she cleans them up."
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Joke # 8
Q: How many frenchman does it take to gaurd Paris?
A: Nobody knows, its never been tried before
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Joke # 9
Bride
Soon after their wedding, the bride tells the groom, "Darling, now that we are married, I want you to fire your secretary."
"But honey," says the groom, "you used to be a secretary yourself."
"Exactly," she replies, "that's why I want you to fire her."
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Joke # 10
Little Johnny
Little Johnny went to his first school dance. He didn't know if he would ever get up the nerve to ask a girl out to dance.
As the night went on everybody was dancing except Little Johnny. He just sat in the corner looking at everyone having fun.
Finally as the last song started to play Little Johnny spotted two very cute girls across the room sitting at their table. He walked over and asked one if she would like to dance. She looked him up and down and said "I am sorry but I am very particular with whom I dance with."
Little Johnny being the smart boy that he is, replied, "You can dam will see that I am not."
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Joke # 11
Terrible financial advice
Morris is complaining to Uncle Yossie.: " Uncle, you gave me some terrible financial advice!"
"I did? What did I tell you?" asked Uncle Yossie.
"You told me to put my money in that big bank, but that big bank is in terrible financial trouble."
"What are you talking about? That's one of the largest banks in the world," said Uncle Yossie. "Surely there must be some mistake."
"I don't think so," replied Morris. "They just returned one of my checks with a note saying, ' Insufficient Funds.'"
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Joke # 12
Q: Why are clams like women ?
A: Because when the red tide comes you don't eat them.
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SydesJokes Blog Posts
Al Qaeda on Strike
http://bit.ly/95u358
Senior Citizen Halloween
http://bit.ly/91Gg3I
Redneck Wheels
http://bit.ly/eXc6Zg
Motivational Posters 38
http://bit.ly/m5BLAR
Motivational Posters 72
http://bit.ly/jMxQuz
More funny posts --> http://SydesJokes.blogspot.com/
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SydesJokes Video Clips
Fridge
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Deep Throat Practice
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Modern Mobile Animated
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MSN Video Chat
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Wonderful
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1. THE POSTMAN'S CORNER
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