SydesJokes · @SydesJokes
26th Dec 2012 from Twitlonger
#Joke #Humor #LOL
[SydesJokes] Wednesday 26th December 2012:
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My Sponsonered Diet for Charity
I am aiming to lose 25Kg (55Lbs) by end of April 2013 and raise money for the British Heart Foundation:
http://uk.virginmoneygiving.com/ColinSponsoredDiet
My starting weight is 150Kg (330Lbs) so need to lose the weight.
Please support and share with your contacts.
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Joke # 1
Teamwork #1
http://bit.ly/ct0Js7
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Joke # 2
When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing: either the car is new or the wife.
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Joke # 3
Family planning clinic
A bloke and his wife went to a family planning clinic. "We've been married for ten years and we've got no kids," said the husband. "And the next-door neighbors say it's because we're stupid."
"Nonsense," smiled the doctor. "It's probably to do with your diet. Or it might be a question of timing. How many times a week do you do it?"
"Do what?" asked the wife.
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Joke # 4
Q: Why don't they have any toilet paper in KFC?
A: Because its finger licking good!
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Joke # 5
Archaeologist
An archaeologist discovered a family living in an ancient cave in France. He was excited by his discovery but he was even more excited when the husband told him that they had 10 more Commandments that had been handed down from Moses. They had been written on a tabletop.
"May I see them, please?" the archaeologist asked.
"Well, I'm sorry," the man said, "but we sanded them off quite a while ago."
"What did they say?" the archaeologist asked. "Do you remember?"
The man said, "Well, I've forgotten most of them, but I do remember number 17. It said, 'I've changed my mind about adultery'."
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Joke # 6
Hot summer
One hot summer day, Trudy came to town with her dog, tied it in the shade of a tree, and headed into a rest- aurant for something cold to drink.
Twenty minutes later, a policeman entered the restaurant and asked, 'Who owns the dog tied under that tree outside? Trudy said it was hers.
'Well, your dog seems to be in heat' the officer said.
The blonde replied, 'No way. She's cool 'cause she's tied up under that shade tree.
The policeman said, 'No! You don't understand. Your dog needs to be bred.'
'No way,' said the blonde. 'My dog doesn't need bread. She isn't hungry 'cause I fed her this mornin.'
The exasperated policeman said, 'NO! You don't understand. Your dog wants to have sex!'
Trudy looked at the cop and said, 'Well ok, go ahead. I always wanted a police dog.'
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Joke # 7
Parrot
A businessman finds that his neighbor in the first class cabin of his flight is a parrot.
They take off and the stewardess asks what they would like to drink.
"Glenlivet on the rocks with a twist," says the parrot. The businessman orders a coke.
After waiting two or three minutes, the bird starts yelling, "Where's my drink?! Stop fooling around and give me my drink!"
The stewardess runs to him with his glass, leaving the businessman still thirsty.
Half an hour later the stewardess makes a second round. The bird orders another Glenlivet and a Wall Street Journal. The businessman asks for another coke.
Again, after a couple of minutes, the bird screams, squawking, "You lazy bitch! Where's my drink!"
The poor woman nearly trips over herself getting the parrot his drink and the newspaper. The businessman still has nothing, and after ten more minutes decides to take his cue from the bird.
"Hey,! Will you bring me my damn coke?"
Out of nowhere a steward, the captain and two passengers grab the businessman and the bird, open the hatch and throw them out of the plane.
At 30,000 feet in the air the two fall side by side and the parrot says to the terrified man,
"Wow, that took a lot of guts for a guy with no wings."
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Joke # 8
Q: Why don't blondes like anal sex?
A: They don't like their brains being screwed with.
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Joke # 9
Blonde
A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic it died.
After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly.
She says, "What's the story?"
He replies, "Just sh*t in the carburetor"
She asks, "How often do I have to do that?"
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Joke # 10
Essex girl (blonde)
An Essex girl is involved in a nasty car crash and is trapped and bleeding. The paramedics soon arrive on site.
Medic: "It's O.K. I'm a paramedic and I'm going to ask you some questions"
Girl: "O.K."
Medic: "What's your name"
Girl: "Sharon"
Medic: "O.K. Sharon, is this your car?"
Sharon: "Yes"
Medic: "Where are you bleeding from?"
Sharon: "Romford, mate"
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Joke # 11
Signs You're Not Mensa Material
You couldn't figure out how to break the seal on your standardized intelligence test, so you had to give up.
You wonder how the deer know to cross at the deer crossing signs.
You are confused by the plot twists of a Bugs Bunny cartoon.
You once tried to solve a Rubik's cube and had to be institutionalized for over a year.
You had trouble getting in even before they saw the decimal point in your IQ.
You are still struggling to finish "Shoe Laces for Dummies."
Your family had a celebration when you scored a "perfect 10" points on your SAT.
You don't watch PBS because there are no Budweiser or Taco Bell commercials.
Homer Simpson is your idol.
That "which comes first" thing about chicken and eggs just makes you hungry.
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Joke # 12
Q: What's the ultimate rejection?
A: When you're masturbating and your hand falls asleep
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SydesJokes Blog Posts
Money
http://bit.ly/djES4D
Blind Sales Clerk
http://bit.ly/mQp8K1
Lovemaking Tips for Seniors
http://bit.ly/eU80uf
Wimps
http://bit.ly/e9vwpC
Banned from eBay - Penis Enlargement
http://bit.ly/erzvmr
More funny posts --> http://SydesJokes.blogspot.com/
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SydesJokes Video Clips
Bomb Exploded At Sea
http://bit.ly/abQkH5
Dog in Tyre
http://bit.ly/9JD0pc
Canadian Idol
http://bit.ly/aPuedD
Mexican Swat Teams #1
http://bit.ly/9WMSwJ
How Many Beers Before You Let Your Friend Do This
http://bit.ly/b8rqxE
More video clips --> http://sydesjokes.com/Category_-_Video_Clips.html
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Other Joke Lists
1. THE POSTMAN'S CORNER
THE ABSOLUTE BEST jokes, cartoons, and humor on the net! sent via email, by Martin aka the postman THE POSTMAN'S CORNER is delivered free of charge to all who ask for it! Adult humor, over 18 plz
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2. TRAINING 2 LAUGH
A page of jokes -- NOTHING but jokes! Sent Mon thru Fri weekly Scheduled departure time is 4:PM Central Time (US) Sorry, 18 or older due to content
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