SydesJokes · @SydesJokes
30th Dec 2012 from Twitlonger
#Joke #Humor #LOL
[SydesJokes] Sunday 30th December 2012:
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My Sponsonered Diet for Charity
I am aiming to lose 25Kg (55Lbs) by end of April 2013 and raise money for the British Heart Foundation:
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My starting weight is 150Kg (330Lbs) so need to lose the weight.
Please support and share with your contacts.
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Joke # 1
Ghana Coffins #5
http://bit.ly/dAf0xU
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Joke # 2
Our forefathers guaranteed us the right to the pursuit of happiness. They should have given us a few clues as to where to look.
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Joke # 3
Pay envelope
Wife: Okay, today's Friday. Where's your pay envelope?
Man: I already spent all my pay. I bought something for the house.
Wife: What? What could you buy for the house that cost $480?
Man: Eight rounds of drinks.
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Joke # 4
Q: Do you know why the blonde got fired from the M&M factory?
A: For throwing out the W's.
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Joke # 5
Love-starved spinster
Jill, a love-starved spinster, was so desperate that she went to a local newspaper office and inquired about putting an advertisement in the 'Lonely Hearts' column.
"Well, madam," the assistant said, "we charge a minimum of $1 per insertion."
"You don't say," said Jill. "Well then, here's $20 and to hell with the advertisement!"
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Joke # 6
Distinguished-looking elderly man
The distinguished-looking elderly man asked at the department store information kiosk where he might purchase some personal stationery. He was directed to the notions department on the third floor, but in the Crowded elevator he became confused and got off on the fourth floor by mistake. Approaching the attractive floor manager standing near the elevator doors, he said, "Excuse me, Miss, but do you have notions?"
"Sure," she replied mischievously, "but during the work week I try to suppress them until after five o'clock."
"No, no, you don't understand," he stammered. "I mean to say, do you keep stationery?"
"No, I like to go with the flow right till the end," replied the floor manager, laughing. "And then I just start quivering all over."
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Joke # 7
Compulsive gambler
There was this 5-year-old boy named Johnny, and he was very wise in the ways of the world. His problem was that he was a compulsive gambler and couldn't resist making all these outrageous wagers.
"Hey Dad! Behind that pine tree you'll see two squirrels doing it!"
The father was understandably shocked. "Son, how could you say such things? There are no squirrels doing anything."
"Hey Dad, I just speak the facts. If I win, you pay me 5 dollars, if I lose, I pay you 10 dollars. That is a very reasonable offer."
The father agrees to the wager. They walk over to the pine tree, and sure enough two squirrels are coupling. So the father forks over the five dollars as he promised.
It so happened that September was just around the corner, and Little Johnny had to start kindergarten. Needless to say, the father did not want Johnny making his wagers with other innocent children. So he calls the kindergarten teacher to warn her of his son.
"Err... Ms. Smith, I want to tell you that my son Johnny is prone to make explicit sexual remarks and even wager money on such. Could you please disabuse him of such a filthy habit by any means necessary?"
The teacher says she will try.
So the first day of class starts. Not even five minutes pass on the first day when Little Johnny pipes up. "Hey Ms. Smith! I will bet 50 dollars that you have brown pubic hair!"
Obviously the teacher was flabberghasted by Little Johnny's remarks. She grabs his ear and hauls him to a side room. "I oughta spank you and wash out your mouth with a bar of Lava soap, you filthy little boy!"
Little Johnny took this all in stride. "Hey Ms. Smith, I just speak the facts. If I win, you don't owe me anything. If you win, I will pay you fifty dollars." Little Johnny even pulls out the wad of bills to show the teacher he is not bluffing.
Now Ms. Smith has blonde pubic hair and she is a severely underpaid kindergarten teacher. Besides, the father did request that she put an end to his wagers. What more appropriate way to end them than to prove him wrong for once in his life? So she peeks out the door to make sure nobody is at the door. She then locks the door and doffs her drawers in front of Little Johnny. Sure enough he can see that her pubic hair is blonde. Downcast he begrudgingly forks over the wad of money he bet.
"Now Johnny, I trust that you will never make any bets ever again."
Now Ms. Smith is quite proud of her little victory (and making a little change on the side). She calls up the father to tell of her success. "I am pleased to report that your son will never be wagering again." The father is quite curious as to how she did it.
"Well, err... You did say use any means necessary. Johnny bet me that I had brown pubic hair and, well... err... I proved him wrong."
"Just how did you prove Johnny wrong?!"
"Well, uhhh... I took Johnny into a side room and I showed him my genitalia." Ms. Smith was quite nervous at this point.
"That goddamn son-of-a-bitch! He bet me 100 dollars that you'd take your underwear off on the first day of class....!"
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Joke # 8
Q: What do you call a Frenchman with 1500 girl friends?
A: A shepherd.
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Joke # 9
Cigar
A mn riding on the train was smoking a strong-smelling cigar. A lady that sat across from him asked, "Will you please put out that cigar?"
The man kindly obliged, then noticed a pain in his foot. He removed his shoe to massage away the pain when the lady asked, "Will you please light that cigar?"
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Joke # 10
Navy
Jim was just out of Navy boot camp, and was on his first ship. About two hours out of port, he began to get a bit ill from the motion of the ship. He approached an ensign, also just out of training and on his first cruise. He saluted and said, "Excuse me sir, I am feeling seasick, and I wondered if I may have permission to go downstairs to the dispensary."
The ensign returned his salute and replied, "Sailor, you are in the Navy now. You don't go downstairs, you go below! There is no dispensary on this ship, there is sickbay. Not only that, that is not the floor, it is a deck, that is not the ceiling, it is the overhead, that is not a pillar, it is a stanchion, that is not a water fountain, it is a scuttlebutt. If I ever hear you using civilian words instead of Naval jargon, I till throw you out of that little round window over there."
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Joke # 11
7 dwarfs
The seven dwarfs always left to go work in the mine early each morning. As always, Snow White stayed home doing her domestic chores.
As lunchtime approached, she would prepare their lunch and carry it to the mine. One day as she arrived at the mine with the lunch, she saw that there had been a terrible cave-in.
Tearfully, and fearing the worst, Snow White began calling out, hoping against hope that the dwarfs had somehow survived. "Hello, hello!" she shouted. "Can anyone hear me? Hello!"
For a long while, there was no answer.
Losing hope, Snow White again shouted, "Hello! Is anyone down there?"
Just as she was about to give up all hope, there came a faint voice from deep within the mine, "Vote for Obama, Vote for Obama.
Snow White fell to her knees and prayed, "Oh, thank you God! At least Dopey is still alive"
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Joke # 12
Q: Why do women rub their eyes when they get out of bed?
A: Because they don't have balls to scratch.
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SydesJokes Blog Posts
Holy Shit #14
http://bit.ly/e0zRID
Super Fanny
http://bit.ly/hQx9aw
Why Some Men Have Dogs and Not Wives
http://bit.ly/f2Xl2r
Motivational Posters 17
http://bit.ly/eJAVLb
Fox Hunt
http://bit.ly/gCLPFS
More funny posts --> http://SydesJokes.blogspot.com/
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SydesJokes Video Clips
How To Lay A Pathway
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Perfect Husband
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Morecambe and Wise - Mastermind
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Parents Vs Kids
http://bit.ly/9YVjcc
Rally Crash
http://bit.ly/dvuzcw
More video clips --> http://sydesjokes.com/Category_-_Video_Clips.html
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