SydesJokes · @SydesJokes
7th Jan 2013 from Twitlonger
#Joke #Humor #LOL
[SydesJokes] Wednesday 2nd January 2013:
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Shorty Awards voting opens on 7th January 2013
If you use Twitter please help by voting for me or asking your friends who use Twitter to vote for me in the following categories starting on Monday 7th January:
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http://shortyawards.com/SydesJokes?category=humour
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Joke # 1
Motivational Poster #177
http://bit.ly/cg3BFt
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Joke # 2
The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you've got it made.
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Joke # 3
Overweight
"I'm prescribing these pills for you," said the doctor to the overweight patient, who tipped the scales at about three hundred pounds.
"I don't want you to swallow them. Just spill them on the floor twice a day and pick them up, one at a time."
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Joke # 4
Q: What starts with "t" ends with "t" and is filled with "t"?
A: A teapot
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Joke # 5
Overcrowded elevator
Little Johnny and his dad were on an overcrowded elevator. Suddenly a lady in the front turned around, slapped Little Johnny's dad, and then left in a huff.
"That sure is a nasty lady," Little Johnny's dad said.
Little Johnny remarked, "I didn't like her either, Daddy. She stepped on my toe ... so I pinched her ass."
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Joke # 6
Mexican Maid
A Mexican maid asked for a pay increase. The wife was very upset about this and asked: 'Now Maria, why do you feel you deserve a pay increase?'
Maria: 'Well Señora, there are three reasons why I want an increase. The first is that I iron better than you do.'
Wife: 'Who said you iron better than I do?'
Maria: 'Your husband said so.'
Wife: 'Oh.'
Maria: 'The second reason is that I am a better cook than you are.'
Wife: 'Nonsense, who said you are a better cook?'
Maria: 'Your husband did.'
Wife: 'Oh.'
Maria: 'My third reason is that I am a better lover than you are.'
Wife (really furious now): 'Did my husband say that, as well?'
Maria: 'No Señora, the gardener did.'
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Joke # 7
The Great Aussie Love Poem
Of Course I Love Ya Darling You're A Bloody Top Notch Bird And When I Say You're Gorgeous I Mean Every Single Word
So Ya Bum Is On The Big Side I Dont Mind A Bit Of Flab It Means That When I'm Ready There's Somethin' There To Grab
So Your Belly Isn't Flat No More I Tell Ya, I Don't Care So Long As When I Cuddle Ya I Can Get My Arms Round There
No Sheila Who Is Your Age Has Nice Round Perky Breasts They Just Gave Into Gravity But I Know Ya Did Ya Best
I'm Tellin Ya The Truth Now I Never Tell Ya Lies I Think It's Very Sexy That You've Got Dimples On Ya Thighs
I Swear Upon Me Nannas Grave The Moment That We Met I Thought U Was As Good As I Was Ever Gonna Get
No Matter Wot U Look Like I'll Always Love Ya Dear Now Shut Up While The Footys On And Get Me Bloody Beer!
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Joke # 8
Q: Why is it always cool in a sports stadium?
A: Because there's a fan in every seat.
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Joke # 9
Keeping an eye on wife
A man has to leave the country on business and he entrusts with his best friend the job of keeping an eye on his wife. He instructed if anything out of the ordinary should occur, he was to be notified immediately.
After about a week of no news the businessman received a telegram: "The man who comes to visit your wife every night didn't show up yesterday..."
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Joke # 10
Purple Heart
Sam had been a soldier at war for more than three years, during which he had been in many battles and won many decorations. He was finally discharged from service and returned home to a wife and son, whom he hadn't seen in almost four years.
As he was walking up the path to his house, his young son spotted him and yelled, "Mommy, Mommy, here comes Daddy, and he's got a Purple Heart on!"
Turning around to see her husband for the first time in years she replied, "At this point, I don't give a damn what color it is! Let him in, and you go play at the Jones' for a couple hours."
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Joke # 11
Boudreaux and his Young Bride
Last May, Boudreaux married an attractive woman, Lola, half his age.
After several months, Lola complained that she had never climaxed during sex; and according to her Grand Mama, all Cajun women are entitled to a climax once in a while.
So, to resolve the problem, they went to see the large- animal Vet since there was no trustworthy doctor anywhere in Pierre Part. The Vet didn't have a clue, but he did recall how, during the hot summer, his Momma and Daddy would fan a cow that was having difficulty breeding with a big towel. This would cool her down and make her relax.
So, the Vet told them to hire a strong, virile, young man to wave a big towel over them while they were having sex. This, the Vet said, would cause the young wife to cool down, relax, then climax. So the couple hired a strong young man from the big city of Houma to wave that big towel over them as the Vet suggested. After many efforts, Lola still had not climaxed! They went back to the Vet.
The Vet said for Lola to change partners and let the young man have sex with her while Boudreaux waved the big towel. They tried it that night and Lola went into wild, screaming, ear-splitting climaxes, one right after the other for about two and a half hours.
When it was over, Boudreaux looked down at the exhausted young man and in a cocky manner said, 'And dat, my friend, is how you wave a towel!'
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Joke # 12
Q: How do you brainwash a Frenchman?
A: Fill up his boots with water
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SydesJokes Blog Posts
What's A Blowjob?
http://bit.ly/hDQsY8
Marriage Counceling Southern Style
http://bit.ly/9P5hVW
Good Ole Arkansas Boy
http://bit.ly/mAWHyY
Art Food #1
http://bit.ly/by2lY4
School Papers
http://bit.ly/eAcXnc
More funny posts --> http://SydesJokes.blogspot.com/
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SydesJokes Video Clips
Maxine Cranky Carols
http://bit.ly/gH3R9C
Jack Webb and Obama
http://bit.ly/as0hhG
Views About Marriage
http://bit.ly/cv1w1V
Fiddler and Pianist
http://bit.ly/bFuUJN
McDonalds Cat
http://bit.ly/cNNE1s
More video clips --> http://sydesjokes.com/Category_-_Video_Clips.html
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Other Joke Lists
1. THE POSTMAN'S CORNER
THE ABSOLUTE BEST jokes, cartoons, and humor on the net! sent via email, by Martin aka the postman THE POSTMAN'S CORNER is delivered free of charge to all who ask for it! Adult humor, over 18 plz
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2. TRAINING 2 LAUGH
A page of jokes -- NOTHING but jokes! Sent Mon thru Fri weekly Scheduled departure time is 4:PM Central Time (US) Sorry, 18 or older due to content
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3. Cartoonery
A PAGE of nothing but 'Toons! Sent Mon thru Fri weekly Scheduled sending time 4 PM Central Time (US) Sorry, 18 or older due to content
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Cartoonery/
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