@FrontaalNaakt @stinson

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Today I Chose Not To

I stood alone at the bus stop thinking about this afternoon's plan...

--OK, go to the ramen shop in Tsunashima and have a late lunch. Then head to Jiyugaoka and grab some--

That's when I noticed her approach, steadily striding towards me, probably to catch the same bus. She was middle aged, casually dressed and focused on her cellphone...

--OK, then go to Starbucks and grab a tall cup of the overpriced coffee. Then, head over to the internet cafe and work on my new article for--

As she drew closer to the bus stop, maybe 20 feet away, she looked up from her cellphone, saw me, briefly stumbled and stopped. She inched forward another 10 feet or so before stopping again, turning and facing towards the street.

The 8-10 feet between us was a social grand canyon....

Oh, what the fuck was I thinking about?

--Oh yeah, my article, right--

A man was hustling towards the bus stop and came to a halt beside the woman. He glanced at his watch and peeked around the woman at the gaping gnash between us. I could read on the grimace on his face that he had immediately perceived the reason for the gap, and that even he thought it was bit much. But, he remained silently in his space.

Three more people came and followed suit. Everyone acknowledged the gap. No one closed the gap. No one questioned the gap. No. One.

________________

It's been a decade here in Japan for me, so I know full well how to "close the gaps" so to speak. It's very simple, actually. In this case, for example, all I needed to do was, in Japanese, greet the woman, or basically ask her anything as long as it was in Japanese. and she would have responded cheerfully...likely. And having learned that I could and was willing to speak her language, all hostilities would have subsided...likely.

And don't let me turn on the charm with a big ole shit-eating grin, and a little of my "I've been around this archipelago for a minute now" Japanese mannerism mimicry, bowing and sucking wind and such. Shit, she might have a stroke, the rush of relief would be so intense. I've disarmed Japanese hundreds of times before. I've watched others do it even more. It's almost second nature now.

It's a skill I first acquired, out of necessity, in America, actually. Assuaging white anxiety in the US, especially if you're big intimidating-looking black guy like I've been called (believe it or not), is as useful a skill to have as web designing and front end developing, especially in corporate America. Only in Japan I've raised it to an art form. It is the essence of my "Gaijin Persona" and serves not only as a Japanese appeaser but sometimes as a way to get ahead.

It's well rewarded here and abroad. It's done wonders over the years, has turned many annoying encounters into opportunities, awkward moments into fairly meaningful relationships. It's even gotten me paid and laid. This kind of placating response to the native compulsion to avoid, evade, elude, and treat like a threat has been positively reinforced.

I KNOW this is the social tax I must pay to make the most out of my life in Japan...and I've partaken of the rewards so often it leaves no doubt that this is, at least partially, the most viable way to make life in Japan worthy of such a incredibly high tax. Moreover, by doing so, I've even been able to pave paths of communication and break down walls of ignorance. Each of these little episodes, when positively resolved, is a possible foothold on the SkyTree of Tolerance.

So simple..and yet...

Today, I chose not to.
Today I decided I'm just gonna be me.

Today, I wanted to be respected unconditionally.
I wanted my feelings to be acknowledged unconditionally.
I wanted others to do unto to me as I've done unto them...unconditionally.
I wanted to be free to stand at a bus stop, mind my business, and contemplate my afternoon's game plan without having to assuage Japanese anxiety, and conciliate contemptuous behavior.

I refused to comfort those consciously or unconsciously discomforting me.
I refused to reward those who would shun me for irrational reasons.

Yep, today I chose not to.

And, of late, I have chosen not to quite a few times...even to my own detriment.

I'm sure some opportunities have slipped through my fingers but sometimes, despite the rewards, despite the constant encouragement from "successful" gaijin, I just gotta be me! On days like today, I'd sooner lose all my Japanese friends than shuck and jive for perks.

Cuz when I look in the mirror, and I see only a shadow of the authentic smile that used to light up a room, fueled by a flame only an optimistic heart can produce, my soul cracks a little. And as I watch the smile I've cherished slowly being replaced by a plastic replica, one whose credibility only a discerning eye could distinguish from its former self, it creeps me out.

So, I take these days off from the foolishness from time to time. Before I shatter into irretrievable pieces.

The following conversation took place in that very mirror...

Me: So why would you choose this, Yo? Just appease them, man! Geezus, don't think so much.
Baye: This is behavioral modification by positive reinfor--
Me: Will you listen to yourself?? They are just people, man! Some good, some bad, some ignorant, some wise. People! That's all.
Baye: So am I, dammit. Why do I have to prove it so often?
Me: Grow up!
Baye: Shut up!
Me: Listen. Here...in this place...if you want to be just people, then you're gonna have to conform, or at least pretend to.
Baye: Yeah, yeah, yeah, I know...
Me: You used to fake it so well. You even had me convinced. Well, actually you didn't, but it was fun to watch. You're a great faker!
Baye: Always happy to entertain you.
Me: Good! Cuz you're a natural entertainer!
Baye: Fuck you!
Me: You should update your skills on LinkedIn.
Baye: I don't even know why I bother talking to you.
Me: I was just acknowledging your gift for faking it.
Baye: Yeah, but all that faking is backfiring, isn't it?
Me: How so?
Baye: Look at me! I'm faking myself out!
Me: I don't follow.
Baye: My real smile has become a fake smile more often than not. My real feelings have become fake feelings disguised as real feelings. All to protect myself. And to make others feel better. The terrorists are winning, I tell you. Their WMD works from the inside out.
Me: Hyperbole doesn't suit you, man.
Baye: Never mind, this is so pointless. It's like talking to myself.
Me: You need to smile more.
Baye: Give me the reason.
Me: How's this for a reason?
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=n_1apYo6-Ow
Baye: Fuck! That's not fair! You know I'm partial to Chaplin...

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