DΔΠTE 🦋 · @timbayIiss
26th Oct 2017 from TwitLonger
apology (lms if you read)
(link to the original post: https://twitter.com/personafusion/status/922999076630622208)
yes, i have seen the callout. obviously i have seen the callout. i'd like to actually make an attempt to address it that won't get twisted against me, as futile as this may be at this point.
long story short, the things in that thread were tweets taken from my personal account that were shared without my permission and that is upsetting me. i feel as if my privacy has been violated. this may sound like a guilt trip but it's just how the events played out.
now, i've tried apologizing in the past but admittedly they haven't been the best apologies. they had an attitude of me playing the victim, and i was way too defensive. no i do have a right to be defensive when something like this happens, but too often i get so defensive that i don't end up doing anything to address the issue at hand.
so i'm going to directly address everything in the callout:
first off, the thing that i would like to address the most: calling nova the r slur. i was angry at nova, and i was allowed to be angry at nova, but calling him that word is crossing a line i shouldn't've crossed nonetheless. in the case that nova is reading this: i'm sorry for calling you the r slur.
as for the things i said about trans women: i should have known better and realized that i shouldn't speak over trans women. i am a trans person, but i am not a trans woman. i shouldn’t have said those things about trans women. even i do harbor ill will towards trans women, (i don’t), i should keep it to myself
now, the misgendering. i’ll put it bluntly: no matter how mad i am at someone, i shouldn’t misgender them. I almost immediately said it wasn’t right to call a non binary person a girl, and of course i did acknowledge it was wrong. i’m allowed to not think that nb lesbians arent trans, and im allowed to not want nb lesbians to speak over trans people on trans issues, but as someone who isn’t non binary, a lesbian, or a non binary lesbian, it’s not fair
also, i would like to clarify some things i’ve said about non binary people. i do not think non binary people are cis people faking, and i do not hate non binary people. i do believe that every single non binary people aren’t inherently trans, and that being trans and non binary are different concepts. however, there are plenty of individual non binary individuals that are trans, and that in itself is not a bad thing. despite issues involving the tumblr microcosm of non binary identities, people who are non binary have historically fought side by side with trans people. even if being trans and being non binary are different conceptually, non binary people can be trans and are allowed to be involved in trans activism and communities, and it was unfair of me to act like they don’t.
as for needing dysphoria to be trans, i still do believe that. i think most trans people would believe that, and most trans people have some sort of dysphoria, even if it’s not physical. being dysphoric is inherently a part of being trans and if you think it’s transphobic to acknowledge that, then fine. i can’t do anything to change your opinion, and you can’t do anything to change mine.
despite the above paragraph though, it isn’t fair to declare people “trans” or “not trans” based on the amount of dysphoria they experience. i will admit that even with the belief that dysphoria is a requirement to be trans, calling non-dysphoric trans boys “fujoshi” isn’t doing anything except being mean spirited. i thought that from the pit of my heart, that i was doing something “good” and “righteous” and “defending the sanctity of the trans community” but obviously, it’s none of those things. transness isn’t some commodity that needs to be protected or whatever, and it was stupid of me to take on the role of some sort of supreme defender of the trans community. that was mean spirited and stupid, and i apologize for anyone hurt by that.
the t slur - the t slur is not a slur that targets exclusively trans women. of course, the main target of the slur IS trans women, but that doesn’t mean trans men aren’t targeted by it as well. i myself have been called the t slur, and i know other trans men who’ve also been called by it. in one instance i have been called a “delusional tranny freak” - you don’t have to believe that it happened if you really don’t want to, but i’d like you to consider why i would make something like that up considering how hurtful it is to me.
using “internalized transphobia” as an excuse: i do not excuse all the above things with internalized transphobia. however, there are posts i made about feeling bad for being trans, and posts i made while having a crisis about my sexuality due to being trans that i think can honest to god be put to internalized transphobia. i would not go out of my way to doubt the sexual identity of any other trans people, but in the time when i made those posts i was incredibly unstable about my own sexuality. in regards to internalized transphobia (genuine internalized transphobia, not things that i said that were genuinely bad that it could look like i excused with internalized transphobia), i have been told multiple times to just ignore it, to stop venting about it, that me venting about my own feelings is harmful, and that i should just “keep it internalized”.
note that i do not excuse ANY of the other things i’ve been called out for to internalized transphobia. i understand that it’s easy to misinterpret it as that, and i want to clear it up now: i’m not gonna make any excuses for that shit. i’m not gonna make any excuses for accusing trans men (regardless of dysphoria or any other factors) of being “fujoshi”, i’m not going to make any excuses for saying things that were transmisogynistic, i’m not going to make any excuses for calling an autistic person the r slur, or for misgendering a non binary person, in regards to all those things, i will just say this: i fucked up. those were bad things to do, and i acknowledge that they were bad things to do. not even going to bother making any excuses for that - i fucked up, plain and simple. i said and did things that were wrong.
in conclusion: yes. I fucked up. I fucked up multiple times. I have had people talk to me about fucking up, and at some points i certainly didn’t listen. alex called me on it, alex called me on it multiple times, and alex displayed an exceptional amount of patience for me considering how awful some of the things i said and did admittedly were. alex, if by chance you are reading this: i’m sorry for so upwardly dismissing your concerns, and i’m sorry for anything i’ve said that’s personally offended you. to anyone else personally offended by any of the things i’ve said - i’m sorry to you, as well.
a lot of the things in the callout may have been partially taken out of context, and could have been cherry picked to make me look bad, but the fact is: that some of the things i said WERE bad and that it wasn't in my place to say. i'm not begging for anyone to hear my side of the story or anything, especially people who's opinion of me is already set in stone, but i would like to acknowledge the fact that some of the things said in the callout were things i had already apologized for in the past and acknowledged were wrong.
this isn’t supposed to be a cry for sympathy or a meanings to win back friends i’ve lost or any of that - it’s just me acknowledging the plain and simple fact that i fucked up. i do think that some of the people calling me on it did things that were unnecessary (i still feel slightly upset about having tweets leaked from my personal by people i thought i could trust, which in my opinion i think is fair) but the fact is that i have fucked up in the past. thank you for reading this, i know it’s long winded, but there’s a lot to address. again, ty for reading.